I feel so blessed to have such a precious healthy son, and Brandon here to help me.
But, I always wanted that "perfect" life, I mean, I know no one can have a truly perfect life. But, I wanted a life that would be perfect for me.
I wanted to finish college, get married, then have kids..just like everyone does!
I never wanted to be the girl I am now... I have not finished college, I have a newborn, I'm living at home with my parents (which I'm so greatful in how they have helped me) and I'm not married.. I have made so many bad choices, and all I can think of is "Is Mason going to be ashamed of me?", "will he think I am a bad person because I had sex before marriage, and his Mother and Father are not married?", Will he think "My Mom isn't as good as other Moms?", and it hurts me that I have these thoughts...
I just want to be the best Mother possible to Mason, and I feel like I'm not being a good Mother, because I have not made good choices in the past...I know that seems crazy, but that's how I feel..
Everyday I think about when I have to face God, and explain to him my bad desicions, the decision to disobey my parents, and not finish school, and the desicion to have sex before marriage, and now being a Mother, and not being married..And I think about how am I going to explain that to God??
I have asked for forgivness, but has God really forgiven me? I know that is a sin, to even ask that.. but I wonder..
Will Mason love me when he's old enough to understand all my bad choices I've made? This is a battle I face everyday...
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3 comments:
Amanda,
Everyone has things in there life that wasnt quite what they had planned. God has forgiven you if you have asked for forgiveness. God is amazing and forgives all. Yes you will have to explain to him your sins when you get to the doors of heaven but we all will. Just because everyone doesnt have a baby doesnt mean they dont have sex before marriage and they will all have to explain that to God including myself. Mason will never think you are a bad mother for having him out of wedlock. There may be times where you wants to throw it in your face about why cant he have sex before marriage when you did. That is when you will just have to lean on God a little more and hope that he gives you the best words of wisdom to give to Mason. You can tell him you regreted it because you knew moraly it was not right but at the same time you dont regret it because you were given him. I dont think that Mason will ever think you are not as good of a mother as any other because of the situation in which you had him. Think about it...there are more and more girls having babies out of wedlock. That doesnt make it anymore right but you are not alone in this. I feel like if you raise Mason in a good God filled family he will know what is right and what is wrong. All you can do is give him the tools he needs to live by. Ultimately everything else will be his decision. Amandam, He will always love you. You are his mother. You are the one that will be taking care of him everyday till he is old enought to move out on his own. God is definitely the key to all of everyone worries and fears. As long as you put your trust in God everything will work its way out. Dont forget...everything happens for a reason and its always for a much better reason...sometimes it just takes time before you can actually see that. God never hands you more than you knows you can handle. God knew this was all going to happen in your life before you were even born. He forgives you and opens his arms to you because you recognize on your own you need his forgiveness. He will always forgive you. I hope this helps you. I am here for you whenever you need anything. Love you girl!!
Thank you Laura...I love you!
Amanda you are such a great mother, and mason is so lucky that he has a mommy that loves him as much as you do, everyone makes mistakes, you can't change what has happend but just learn from the past and don't worry God still loves you no matter what :)
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